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chim chim cha boo 5:57 Sun Jun 28
A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

Well that's a first.

Out at dinner in a hawkers market in Asia and a right scruffy, half-tailed and starving cat looks up at me with a 'give us some of your Sea-Bass you cunt' look in his eyes.

Obviously as an Englishman I obliged the poor thing when I heard from another table 'don't give food to the focking catsh'.

I'm on holiday so don't particularly want a tear-up so I ignored him and gave a bit more to the cat who was so hungry he nearly took my hand off. I'd also seen a (I think) Chinese bloke with his family swing a boot at it earlier and had to sit on my hands. It's not my country after all.

I managed to ignore this cunt until he said something that really fucking grinds my gears- 'HEY, IDIOT'. I turned round and there's this pissed-up Dutchman, about mid forties, you know the type, a European child fucker if I've ever seen one. Tall, as most Dutch people are and a bit oily.

'Why don't you mind your own business'? I said.

'Think!' He says, 'what if everyone in here fed the catsh? Fuck off and stop feeding them'.

'Who are you telling to fuck off, you Dutch cunt? I'm telling you one more time- fuck off and mind your own business'.

He kept on talking some bollocks under his breath and said something to the waitress. I lost interest and started tucking back into my fish when he comes over on his way out of the market, stands next to our table and says again 'what if everyone fed the focking catsh you focking idiot?'

'Well there'd be more cats and I happen to like cats. When I see something starving and I've got some food I try and help it out. I think it's a British thing so of course a cunt like you wouldn't understand it'.

He goes all red in the face, goes quiet for a second and says 'I eat focking catsh. And dogsh. And maybe...' (pointing to his forehead) 'I will eat YOU'.

It sounded pretty gay at the time and I can understand him eating cats and dogs because I've actually eaten Dutch food before. But pretty fucking bizarre eh?

So, is that the weirdest threat ever or what?

mashed in maryland 6:49 Wed Jul 1
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

ManorParkHammer 10:05 Sun Jun 28

Classic mashed.

Sorry, manor.

Billy Blagg 5:31 Wed Jul 1
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

You fed a cat and stood up for it chim. You are a bloody hearo in my eyes.

medwayhammer1 10:05 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

That properly made me laugh chim!

Hammer and Pickle 8:53 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

You're a magnet for extreme peril chim and you just laugh in its face. In fact, you are entirely free of any kind of reck.

chim chim cha boo 7:08 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

You chide me and castigate me nurse. I like it!

Nurse Ratched 7:05 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

Only dolphins and Ratcheds.

chim chim cha boo 7:03 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

Did I fuck!

I had a lovely time with them though- one of those things that make a holiday last in your memory. For me these moments only happen once per holiday if I'm really lucky.

Crossing over a silly little ornamental bridge I saw a couple of these Maquettes in a tree over a rock pool so I climbed down to take a couple of photos and within about 5 minutes a whole troop were all around me including little baby monkeys going for a swim.

I shut the fuck up, they all came and had a little look at me and decided I wasn't going to shout at them so they just cracked on having fun, chasing each other, jumping improbable distances, grooming and swimming.

An absolutely lovely way to spend a boiling hot afternoon.

Then I saw a few Malys in shorts start climbing some cut-out steps into the jungle so I followed them up. Little did I know it was a jungle treck up a fucking mountain in 40C heat. After an hour of climbing these steps I thought I was going to fucking die but kept thinking I must be near the top. A Malay in a 'Penang Hill Run 2014' running shirt passed me and I asked him how much further to the top. He cheerily said 'oh, about another twenty minutes'. I wanted to cry but didn't have any body fluids left.

I got to the top and had to lie down with my heart beating like a fucked clock. Honestly, it was the toughest hour and a bit I've ever done. Everyone at the top was wearing a 'Jungle trek' shirt and a few asked me if I was okay and said I shouldn't try it at that time of day. Someone even got me some water and they made a bit of a fuss of me. I was gutted because even after all that the jungle canopy was so tight there wasn't even a view to swing my camera at.

Then I went to the bog and saw why they were concerned. There were a load of Malay paper cut outs about the hill that I couldn't understand but one in English saying that a bloke had made it to the top YESTERDAY, had a heart attack and dropped dead.

The taxi driver who took me back to the hotel told me quite nonchalantly that people die walking up that fucking hill all the time.

I'm beginning to think I can't be killed by conventional weapons.

whufcroe 6:32 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

Did you feed the monkey?

Willtell 6:28 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

Loud pipes should be banned....oh they are..... Nothing more annoying than the village teens screeching past on race piped mopeds and 50cc scooters. They make a loud noise for longer because they go so slow even though they sound as though they are.

I followed my mate on an Aprilia Tuono 2007 vee twin with race pipes for a few hundred miles. Even with ear plugs all of us insisted on him staying at the back...

Nurse Ratched 6:09 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

Your noisy pipes wouldn't save YOUR life, chummy. Rather, they imperil it. Think on.


Lard, it'll be Thursday/Friday this week.

Clockwork.

Tin hat ready for the weekend, is my advice.

chim chim cha boo 6:05 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

Even that motorcycle hates me nursey. Three times in a year it's had me on my arse. Fucking Italian thing. I'm thinking of going back to a British bike like a Suzuki or Yamaha.

But I'll say it again- loud pipes save lives. I've saved many a dozy pedestrian's sorry arse with a quick 13,000 RPM Austin Racing GP2 120db symphony.

They should give me some sort of medal really.

Admiral Lard 6:00 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

Are your boobs aching poppet?

Nurse Ratched 5:57 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

You deserve death by cannibalism for the noise you inflict on people with your motorcycle. Don't think I have forgotten you are my mortal enemy.

chim chim cha boo 5:42 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

I have managed to spend the day uneaten for all those who have been worried about my wellbeing. Which means of course absolutely nobody.

I came closer than I would have liked when a tiny little Maquette Monkey bared his teeth and ran at me on the way into Panang Botanical Gardens today. Little bastard thing frightened the fucking life out of me!

They are game bastards, I'll give them that. I was walking around the gardens and there were two little Indian kids teasing a Maquette who ran at them a bit. They screamed and their dad took his sandal off, slapped it on the seat, shouted something in Indian which made the monkey run away (but only a few paces or so) and went back to talking to the other Indian bloke he was with.

I then saw the monkey sneak round the other end of the bench, jump up and do a perfect miniature-sized human shit right next to the bloke who shouted at him.

I tried to suppress a laugh as I was right next to them and didn't want to appear rude but I let out a great big guffaw and had to walk away quickly when one of his kids in a really cute Indian accent said 'pa-pa, the monkey has done a poo-poo on your seat'.

Ha ha!

Your mum 2:01 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

I would've weighed in shouting "I HOPE YOU HAVE AN APPETITE SON, COS HERE COMES THE MAIN COURSE"!!!

hacko 12:02 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

I agree with you. If the cat looked starved I would have given him some too.

young woody 11:26 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

What colour was the cat?

ironsofcanada 10:57 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

Why did you assume it was a threat?

Maybe your winning personality prompted him to offer his services,

Glenn Rodent 10:47 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

One McAvennieeeeee 9:32 Mon Jun 29

Totally agree.

The Dutch chap was well within his rights to give you a slap.

yngwies Cat 10:30 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

Sorry, I meant chopstick.

yngwies Cat 10:29 Mon Jun 29
Re: A Dutch chap just genuinely threatened to eat me.

Just read this and its fuckin funny. Should have stuck you fork in his eye though.

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